Marriage is a beautiful covenant designed by God, and when a husband and wife begin to have children, it can be a time of joy, blessing, and incredible growth. But, let’s be honest: parenting can also strain your relationship, challenge your patience, and make it difficult to prioritize your spouse. Amid diaper changes, sleepless nights, and endless to-do lists, your marriage and spouse can feel neglected.
That brings us to the million dollar questions: How do you create or maintain a joyful marriage after having kids? How do you nurture your relationship in the midst of the demands of motherhood and fatherhood? Let’s dive into practical steps, grounded in biblical wisdom, to help you rekindle your connection with your spouse and enjoy the marriage God intended for you.
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)
Why Marriage Changes After Kids
When a couple welcomes children into their lives, the dynamic shifts dramatically. What was once a life of just husband and wife, is now a life of more—more responsibilities, more distractions, and more emotional highs and lows. The demands of children and the dynamic shift as mom and dad can naturally pull attention away from each other, which can lead to feelings of disconnection and even separation from your spouse.
Many marriages face similar challenges after having children including time management, exhaustion, and a breakdown in communication:
- Time management: The demands of caring for children, especially in the early years, often leave little time for one-on-one moments with your spouse.
- Exhaustion: Both physical and emotional fatigue can make it hard to connect on a deeper level. Both parents are exhausted from lack of sleep and hormone changes can heighten emotions for mom.
- Breakdown in Communication: With less time to talk about things that don’t revolve around your children, important conversations can be pushed aside.
Understanding how and when these challenges are showing up is the first step toward addressing them, and restoring connection with your husband.
The Biblical Blueprint for Joyful Marriage
Marriage Is a Reflection of Christ and the Church
In Ephesians 5:25, Paul tells husbands, “Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This sacrificial love is truly the foundation of a joyful marriage. Christ’s love is unconditional and unwavering. The love in marriage, between husband and wife, should mirror that same love Jesus freely gives us. But it’s easy to lose sight of this truth when you’re caught up in the rush and busyness of parenting.
Unity is a cornerstone of marriage. The bond between husband and wife should remain your priority because it sets the tone for the entire family.
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh”
Genesis 2:24 (NIV)
Practical Steps to Create Joy in Your Marriage
“You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.”
Psalms 128:2 (NIV)
1. Prioritize Time Together
Marriage thrives and grows on quality time, and while it’s harder to find time after kids, it’s not impossible. You may not have the time or sitter for long date nights every week, but even small moments count. These include the time you spend getting ready for bed, dinner time at the kitchen table and the moments in the morning before leaving for work.
Plan Regular Date Nights
Find creative ways to carve out time for date nights. Whether you hire a babysitter or schedule a simple at-home movie night after the kids go to bed, prioritizing time together will strengthen your bond.
Proverbs 18:22 (NIV): “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”
Take Advantage of Short Moments
Take advantage of the quiet moments in your day. Pray together before bed, take five minutes to check in during the morning, or cuddle up together while watching TV.
Guard Your Time Together
Make it a non-negotiable. Schedule time together like it’s an important appointment in your calendar (because it is!). Your marriage is sacred, and prioritizing it communicates to your spouse that you value them. When you honor your marriage, you are honoring God.
2. Communicate Openly and Regularly
Good communication is key to a joyful marriage, but after kids, conversations often become transactional (e.g., “Did you pay the phone bill?” or “Don’t forget about that appointment.”). It’s important to move beyond the day-to-day tasks and to-do lists.
Be Intentional About Conversations
Set aside time to talk, like really talk. Ask your spouse how they’re feeling, what they’re struggling with, and what they need. Be open about your own struggles and needs too. When you both are on the same page and have a better understanding of each other’s desires and needs, your marriage will feel less like just another thing to keep up with.
Practice Active Listening
When your husband speaks, give him your full attention. Proverbs 15:1 teaches, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” By listening without interrupting or getting defensive, you are actively building trust and showing your man respect.
Express Gratitude
It’s so easy to focus on what’s not being done, but making it a habit to thank your husband for his efforts—whether it’s taking out the trash, working long hours to provide, or being an active and present father—can transform the atmosphere in your home.
3. Embrace Teamwork
One of the most important ways to strengthen your marriage after having kids is to work together as a team. God designed marriage for companionship, and parenting is no different.
Divide and Conquer
Don’t fall into the trap of one parent doing it all, or carrying the mental load. Share responsibilities in a way that plays to each other’s strengths and lessens the load on each other’s weaknesses. Whether it’s taking turns with night feedings or splitting up chores, teamwork lightens the load for the both of you.
“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NIV)
Pray Together for Your Children
Praying together for your children not only invites God’s guidance into your parenting, but also strengthens your bond as husband and wife. The act of praying together helps you align spiritually and reminds you of your shared mission and vision as parents.
4. Prioritize Intimacy in Marriage
Intimacy often takes a backseat after kids. The demands of parenthood can drain your energy and lead to neglect in the bedroom, but physical and emotional intimacy are vital to a joyful marriage.
Schedule Intimacy
While it may seem like an odd thing to do, scheduling intimate time in the bedroom together can ensure that your connection doesn’t fall off your list of priorities. Song of Solomon 1:2 celebrates the joy of intimacy in marriage: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” Let your marriage be filled with this kind of delight!
Focus on Emotional Intimacy
Sometimes, intimacy is about more than physical connection. Emotional intimacy is built through vulnerability, trust, and meaningful conversations. When you begin to prioritize intimate moments outside of the bedroom, where you share your hopes, fears, and dreams, you are fostering a safe place to go deeper together.
5. Remember to Laugh Together
Being parents means having a lot more responsibilities. It also brings abundant joy and more humor. One way to maintain joy in your marriage is to embrace the lighter moments.
Find Humor in the Busy Moments
Instead of getting frustrated with the messes, tantrums, and noise, learn to laugh together. Proverbs 17:22 reminds us, “A cheerful heart is good medicine.” Laughter can defuse tension and serves as a great reminder of the joy that family life brings.
Create Joyful Traditions
Create fun and joyful traditions for your family. Whether it’s a weekly game night, spontaneous dance parties in the living room, or making dinner as a family, find ways to build times of connection for happiness into your family’s routine.
Restoring Joy in Your Marriage Is Possible
There is hope in having a joyful and peaceful marriage after having kids. Creating a joyful marriage after having kids is possible with intention, grace, and a Christ-centered approach. By prioritizing time together, communicating openly, embracing teamwork, nurturing intimacy, and finding joy in the everyday, you can build a marriage that thrives even in the busiest seasons of life.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Matthew 19:6
Your marriage was designed to withstand the challenges of parenthood and overall life, and with God at the center, it can be filled with joy, love, and peace. So, take these steps today to restore and reignite the joy in your relationship.
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