When You Feel Unloved: Choose Love First

Have you ever sat next to your husband in the car and felt like there is an invisible wall or growing distance between the two of you, feeling like the love that was there during the dating season feels distant now? Many wives find themselves in this painful place, struggling with feelings of neglect and wondering if the connection they once cherished was something they could feel again.

In the early years of marriage, when the honeymoon phase was over and the tasks and responsibilities of being a wife, mother, and full-time corporate employee began to feel like too heavy to bear alone, I often felt disheartened. I often questioned my worth and the love my husband felt for me. What if I told you that you have the power to change the narrative in your mind? What if choosing love first could reignite the spark in your marriage and transform your relationship?

In this post, I’ll share my journey through the valleys of feeling unloved, offering practical insights and biblical wisdom to help you choose love, even when it feels challenging. Together, we can explore how to overcome feelings of disconnection and create a marriage filled with warmth and mutual respect.

A close up of a husband and wife embracing in an intimate hug

Understanding the Feelings of Being Unloved

Marriage is a beautiful covenant, but it also comes with its challenges. It’s normal to experience highs and lows in our relationships. With the ebbs and flows of life, it’s impossible to always stay in joyful and happy seasons. In my own experience, there were times when I felt distant from my husband, especially during stressful seasons like raising children, career changes, or family responsibilities. These feelings often left me questioning my worth and whether my husband truly loved me.

Why Do You Feel Unloved?

Understanding why we may feel unloved is the first step to addressing those feelings. Here are some common reasons that might resonate with you:

Busy Lifestyles: With work, children, and commitments, it’s easy to prioritize everything else over our relationship.
Miscommunication: Sometimes, our spouses may not realize that we’re feeling unloved or that our love languages are different.
Unresolved Conflicts: Past grievances can create emotional distance, leading us to feel neglected or unappreciated.
Expectations vs. Reality: We might enter marriage with certain expectations, and when they aren’t met, we may feel disappointed.

Recognizing these feelings and their root cause can be a turning point in how we respond to them and our husbands.

The Power of Choosing Love

Throughout our years of marriage, there will be moments when the flame of love seems to flicker or fade. I’ve felt the loneliness and the heartache of believing my husband didn’t love me. It’s easy to become disheartened, especially when life gets busy and the daily grind takes its toll. But what if in those moments of feeling unloved, the answer lies in choosing love first?

1. Love is a Choice You Make Daily

In moments of feeling unloved, it’s vital to remember that love is more than just a feeling; it’s a choice we make daily. As Christian wives, we are called to love our husbands unconditionally, just as Christ loves us. This doesn’t mean ignoring our feelings. It means choosing to act in love, even when it feels hard.

Biblical Foundations for Choosing Love in Marriage

Scripture provides us with profound wisdom on love. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, we read:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

These verses remind us of the selfless nature of love. When we feel unloved, we can combat those feelings by actively choosing to embody these qualities in our marriages.

Practical Ways to Choose Love

Initiate Acts of Kindness: Small gestures can go a long way. Whether it’s leaving a sweet note for your husband or preparing his favorite meal, these acts show love and appreciation.
Communicate Openly: Express your feelings honestly, but gently in tone. Share how you are feeling and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. A simple conversation can often open the path to a rekindled connection.
Practice Gratitude: Instead of focusing on what you or your husband lack, intentionally reflect on what you love about your husband. Share these thoughts with life giving words to him, to uplift both your spirits.
Set Aside Quality Time: Prioritize time together, even if it’s just a quiet evening after the kids are in bed. This intentional time can strengthen your bond.
Pray Together: Prayer is a powerful tool in any marriage. Invite your husband to pray with you, asking God to help you both grow in love and understanding. If you find it difficult to start with prayer, try an audio devotional or book.

2. Give Respect within Marriage

While love is foundational, respect is equally vital in a healthy marriage. As we choose love, we must also respect our husbands as leaders of our family. Ephesians 5:33 tells us:

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

By showing respect, we create an environment where love can flourish. When we honor our husbands, it encourages them to love us more fully in return.

How to Cultivate Respect within Marriage

Listen Actively: Show genuine interest in your husband’s thoughts and feelings. Make an effort to understand his perspective, even if you disagree.
Affirm His Strengths: Regularly express appreciation for his strengths and contributions to the family. Positive reinforcement can motivate him to continue those behaviors.
Avoid Criticism: Focus on constructive communication instead of criticism. Address issues without attacking his character, which can lead to defensiveness or stonewalling.
Support His Decisions: Trust your husband’s judgment and support his decisions. Whether it’s regarding finances, parenting, or career moves, standing by him builds trust. If you disagree, bring up your concerns with a gentle tone. Remember, you are a team.
Create a Safe Space for Dialogue: Foster an environment where both of you can express your feelings without fear of judgment. This openness can lead to deeper connection, vulnerability and respect.

3. Build a Stronger Connection

Intimacy is crucial for a thriving marriage. It encompasses emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness. When we feel unloved, intimacy can dim down, leading to more disconnection. Here are ways to rekindle that intimacy:

Emotional Intimacy

Share Your Heart: Be vulnerable with your husband. Share your fears, dreams, and feelings. This openness invites him to do the same, deepening your emotional connection.
Take part in Activities Together: Find hobbies or interests you can enjoy together, whether it’s cooking, hiking, or reading. Shared experiences can strengthen your bond.

Physical Intimacy

Prioritize Affection: Simple touches, lingering hugs, and longer kisses can rekindle physical intimacy. Make it a habit to express affection regularly.
Create a Romantic Atmosphere: Set the mood for intimacy by creating a romantic setting at home. Dim the lights, play soft music, or plan a surprise date night.

Spiritual Intimacy

Take part in Faith-Based Activities: Attend church together, participate in a Bible study, or engage in devotional activities as a couple. Sharing your faith can strengthen your bond.
Pray for Each Other: Regularly pray for one another’s needs and desires. This spiritual connection fosters a deeper sense of unity.

Navigating Difficult Seasons Together

It’s essential to recognize that all marriages face challenges. Stress, loss, and external pressures can lead to feelings of loneliness and disconnect. When you’re in a tough season, it’s easy to forget the love you share. However, these difficult times can also be opportunities for growth.

Learn to Lean on God Together

Seek God’s Guidance: In challenging times, turn to God for guidance. Prayer and getting deep in scripture will provide comfort, and direction for your marriage.
Counseling or Support Groups: Don’t hesitate to seek help if you feel overwhelmed or hopeless. Christian marriage counseling or support groups can offer valuable tools for navigating difficulties together.
Hold onto Hope: Remember that every season is temporary. Lean on God’s promises and trust that He can bring restoration and healing to your marriage.

More Ways to Connect with Your Husband

Choosing love is not a one-time decision but a daily commitment. It’s about forming habits that nurture your relationship and encourage both of you to grow together.

Daily Practices for Love

Morning Blessings: Start your day by speaking a blessing over your husband. This sets a positive tone for both of you.
End-of-Day Reflections: Before bed, take a moment to reflect on the day together. Share one thing you appreciated about each other.
Weekly Date Nights: Make it a priority to schedule regular date nights. This dedicated time allows you to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company.

Encouragement for Your Journey

As you navigate the complexities of marriage, remember that you are not alone. Many women experience moments of feeling unloved, but the key is how we respond. By choosing love first, you can break the cycle of hurt and foster a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with your husband.

Join Our Community

If you’re looking for encouragement, support, and resources as you navigate your marriage, join our community. Together, we can uplift one another and share our journeys.

Final Thoughts: The Transformative Power of Choosing Love

Choosing love first can transform your marriage in profound ways. It requires intentionality, patience, and grace. As you face challenges, remember the words of 1 Peter 4:8:

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

In those moments when you feel unloved, take a step back, choose love, and watch as your marriage blossoms. Share your journey with other women who may feel similarly, and share this post with a friend who could benefit from this encouragement. Together, we can choose love and cultivate the beautiful marriages God desires for us.